


Life on Earth

by amateurwriting



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 16:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16580348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amateurwriting/pseuds/amateurwriting
Summary: Lapis and Peridot try to live on earth the way normal people do, starting with a shopping trip.





	Life on Earth

Lapis and Peridot were relaxing on a blue and cloudy day, backs slouched against the outer wall of the barn with pillows cushioning them. Peridot gazes at the sky with deep fascination, which Lapis found unexpected of her but didn’t mind it as she was too busy wasting time of her own. This daily tradition became quite frequent for the couple after whichever crisis they had faced was over. For them it was quite bittersweet; they found life on Earth to be boring despite how fast-paced it was alleged to be, but it gave them more time to relax, perhaps a little too much time in fact. After all, they haven’t participated in or even heard of relaxation practices for the majority of their lives. They deserved this break, they told themselves.  
Finally, Peridot sat up in a scramble of lifting her small figure off the pillow and turned to Lapis, who opened a single eye and shifted her head just slightly enough to face Peridot.  
“Lapis, is this what an Earth lifestyle is supposed to be like?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“It’s just so…”  
“Boring?”  
“Perhaps…” Peridot put her fingers to her temples pensively.  
“Uneventful?”  
“Yes! Exactly!”  
Peridot stood up, displaying a surge of excitement. “It’s just that on Homeworld, there were always these repetitive operations and procedures to carry out every single day of our existence.” She paused. “It was fun.”  
“Then what do you suggest we do?” Lapis muttered and closed her eyes once more.  
“I don’t know, but Steven mentioned that humans often have recreational institutions where they would socialize, consume food, and stimulate themselves with certain means of entertainment. I think we should do that!”  
“Stimulate ourselves? Sounds a bit… unfamiliar.” Lapis hesitated. “Are you sure we’re ready for human activities? How will we blend in?”  
“No problem, Lazuli. This barn holds a plethora of human garments and accessories. If we cover enough of ourselves in that, we might be able to pose ourselves as human.”

Lapis and Peridot rummaged through the piles of old, dusty clothing, finding that half of them were too big for Lapis, and much too big for Peridot. Eventually, they decided on two very mismatched outfits practically covering them from head to toe. The two gems strutted out in pride for their effort.  
“So, we have these disguises, but we still don’t know where we should go.” Lapis remarked.  
“I’ll just ask Steven through this direct communication device.”  
Peridot picked up a nearby flip phone from a table inside the barn. She recently received it as a gift from Steven, so she would be able to contact him without ripping a hole through his roof (with a certain fuel-powered propulsion system which was in retrospect quite disastrous indoors) and was advised to call only during the daytime.  
After a long-winded conversation, Lapis and Peridot journeyed to their next destination, a local bus stop. The whole idea of public transportation seemed strange and unnecessary to Peridot. A few minutes into waiting, the bus arrived and the two gems boarded anxiously, being cautious of the humans swarming around them. This was their first experience with Earth customs, and Peridot and Lapis thought it would be useful if they got used to socializing with humans. Peridot turned to a man in a roughed-up suit who appeared visibly tired and would want nothing of a conversation.  
“Hello! My name is a… human!” She abruptly yelled out at the startled man. “And as many… of.. like you… I am also quite knowledgeable with this form of transportation!” Peridot kept blurting out to the passenger next to her, who immediately moved across the bus.  
“Hi, I’m Lapis. It’s very nice to meet you.” Lapis calmly introduced herself to a man standing next to her.  
“Oh, nice to meet you too.” He casually replied.  
Lapis turned to Peridot with a smug expression. Peridot squinted her eyes and turned her head in a scoff.  
After that polarizing bus ride Lapis and Peridot arrived at a shopping district in Ocean Town. There were an array of stores, and a mall not too far from them. Lapis recalled what Steven had said about shopping. Humans usually purchase clothing, food, and means of entertainment. Since Lapis and Peridot were not particularly fond of eating, she suggested to go find clothes first.  
“Well what kind of store sells these ‘clothes’?” Peridot asked. “Wait, I got it! It’s over there!” Peridot pointed at a hardware store across the street. “Clothing is what humans equip outside of their natural form, right? That means that a hardware store sells this ‘clothing’. As always, my logic is flawless.”  
“I guess we could give it a shot, I can’t seem to find any other clothing stores.”  
The hardware store caught the gems by surprise. They have never seen such a mass quantity of products available to the public. A wall of hammers and screwdrivers caught Peridot’s attention immediately.  
“Look at this impressive display of tools! There must be close to a hundred of them! What sort of human would need that many?!” Peridot ecstatically grabbed all the different kinds of tools she could find.  
“Hey Peridot, come check this out!” Lapis yelled from across the store. “This store even sells human weapons. They’re not that sharp, but I bet it could cut through a human pretty easily.” Lapis swung a chainsaw with Peridot in awe.  
“That sounds great! Except now that the war’s over there’s no need for weapons.”  
“Oh yeah, guess I forgot.” Lapis gave an awkward laugh.  
“Also, Steven only gave us a hundred of these ‘dollars’ to spend. I don’t think we could get something like this.”  
“You’re right. There’s nothing want I here either.”  
Lapis and Peridot walked out of the hardware store with hopes of finding a better shop. Arriving at a department store, Lapis and Peridot were sure they would find something which interests them. A nearby beauty product stand had caught their eye, both drawn by the aesthetics of its sign. An enthusiastic human was standing behind the stand with a forced smile. “Excuse me, could I interest you in our limited offer 30-day rejuvenation kit? It could make you look 5 years younger!” the human said in false excitement. “Five years? Sounds pretty ineffective.” Lapis thought to herself. “No thanks, I have very fond memories of the last five years.” Peridot told the salesperson. “Are you sure? We also have a special facial repair kit that could help with your skin conditions.” The human continued pushing products at them. Lapis and Peridot appeared confused. “Skin condition? Wh-what could you possibly be talking about? I definitely am a human with real human skin!” Peridot struggled to maintain their cover. Lapis gave a chuckle at Peridot’s frantic performance, with the human quickly apologizing to the both of them. Peridot decided that it was now too risky to shop at this store, given the fact that one of the humans were on to them.  
Having sifted through a montage of different stores in a montage fashion, they were exhausted by their unsatisfying trip so far. The only items they’ve managed to purchase were a game disk, an animal plush, a snowglobe and a book containing advise on normal human interaction titled “How to Talk to People”. Having decided that they’re now making their last stop, Lapis decided to buy Steven a gift as thanks for his encouraging words and money. “What sort of things do humans usually like?” Lapis pondered. “Let’s see… humans do a lot of things that gems wouldn’t normally do. Like… eat food.” Peridot tried to answer Lapis’ question. “That’s it! Steven likes food, I see him eat it all the time. Let’s go to that food market!”

Peridot thought this was an excellent idea. “Excellent idea, Lapis!” The two hurriedly ran to the grocery store. Peridot’s attention was caught by the shopping carts all the humans were using. “What are those vehicles?” she asked Lapis. “They probably need that to enter the store.” She answered. “Act natural.”  
The inconspicuous gems loitered around the shopping cart pickup, waiting for a human to drop theirs off. Little did they know they could just get one themselves, but they assumed that you would need some sort of permit to rent those vehicles, and they feel it would be more cost-effective to steal one, being that they’re in disguise. Several minutes into waiting a human approached the pickup section, carrying an empty cart. Peridot jumped in front of him, and threatened “Hand that over right now!” The human was confused by her tone of voice, but gave it to her anyway. “Oh sure, it’s all yours.” The human said, rolling the cart to Peridot. “…I can’t believe how easy that was.” she was surprised by her level of intimidation. “Yeah… anyways, let’s get inside before anyone catches us.”

Lapis and Peridot scoured the array of food products around the store for the types of food a human like Steven would usually eat. They passed sections dedicated to produce, meat from the organisms that inhabit this planet, by-products of said organisms, etc. This vast amount of selections confused the two gems, even after opening the packages and examining the food items in the middle of the aisle.  
Finally Lapis and Peridot decided to ask a nearby human standing at a booth with miniscule amounts of food taken out of the packaging for the public to taste. Peridot thought it was an efficient system of sampling different items without the hassle of removing the packaging, as she was doing before. They approached the booth and eyed the organic salad being sampled. Peridot grabbed the sample from its paper cup and began to feel it with her hands, ripping the lettuce to smaller pieces and examining them up close. She spoke to the employee attended at the booth. 

“Excuse me, but could you tell me how these were made?” Peridot shoved the ripped-apart salad to the employee.  
“Well, most of the vegetables here are grown organically and locally.”  
“No, I meant how they’re made.” Peridot’s replied with a completely serious tone.  
The employee was taken by sheer confusion. “You want me to tell you… how food is made?”  
Lapis butted in. “Peridot, why would a simple service human know that sort of information?”  
“Well… um, these are grown on local farms without any artificial additives or GMOs”  
“They’re grown on farms? Like the walls?”  
At this point the employee sighted, took off his apron, and planted a sign on the booth reading “Closed” without uttering another word. Lapis and Peridot watched with curiosity. “Maybe his shift is over.” Peridot presumed. She thought there are some concepts such as the need to get away from work being universal.  
Lapis then took initiative and picked out random items which at least looked familiar, being anything that was green and round. Upon picking up a pineapple, Lapis assumed this plant was too hostile to be edible, but then wondered what it’s doing in this store. Anything that seemed colorful was also selected, as it seemed like the type of food Steven would eat. In the end, they picked out a cabbage, some onions, an eggplant, one orange, one apple, a box of strawberries, a coconut, and one bruised tomato. They arrived at the register, and happily paid for their food and left, without taking their change. In the end, the gems considered it a successful shopping trip, with a total cost of exactly $100, comprised of $13.73 in food and a tip of $86.27. Once again, they took the bus home, having part ways with the shopping cart at the bus stop.  
The sky was still bright and sunny by the time they arrived at the barn. Lapis and Peridot removed their disguises and set them aside for another “meepmorp” to commemorate this trip. With excitement of trying someone new once more, they were preparing to prepare a plate of food for Steven. Lapis began rinsing everything in the lake next to the barn, while Peridot began crudely chopping the vegetables with a broken piece of tractor, and peeling the fruits, remembering what Steven had told her about how she should always peel fruit before eating them. In no time at all the food was ready to be eaten, and the gems hurried over to the temple for Steven’s gift.  
Peridot climbed up the steps and entered the beach house, which was empty at the moment. She decided to leave the produce on the table along with a handwritten note. She returned to Lapis beaming with the expression of a job well done. The two gems headed back to their barn, finished with trying new things and ready to begin lazing around once more.

Epilogue:  
Steven arrived home after a visit from the Big Donut. He noticed the plate of fruits and vegetables on the kitchen table next to a note. Unfortunately, the note was written in some alien language, so he was unable to read it. However, he knew that this was likely from Peridot, as it had a distinctive handwriting only she could do. Steven smiled at the kind gesture, and put the note aside to get a closer look at the food. “Did she… peel these strawberries?”. Nevertheless he took note of thanking her later.


End file.
